And thus an angel was born on Christmas day. Yea, verily he would grow up to have a wrist adorned in brightest gold and surrounded he would be by towers of multi-coloured discs. Wealth will come to him as will a flame-haired beauty under the sign of the red spade.

Thus ends the forgotten quatrain of Nostradamus, the 16th Century seer, predicting the coming of Team PokerStars Pro Angel Guillen. Okay, perhaps we’ve got a little too ecclesiastical but when you’ve grown up in Western Europe, the UK especially, the only people called angel you’re likely to bump into have an alcopop in their hand and are screaming about reality TV.

Our Angel is a far cry from that. He’s Mexican, well spoken, handsome in an unassuming way (as long as you take into account the latin love of unbuttoning one’s shirt to the navel) and steps out with Poker News presenter Lynn Gilmartin (now back to being a natural red head for the first time in 11 years). He’d be forgiven, okay, not forgiven but understood, if he was smug. But he’s not. Upon meeting Guillen it quickly becomes clear why he has been sponsored, beyond his poker talent that has seen him rake in $1,059,458 in live tournaments, which includes one WSOP bracelet and a runner-up finish in another as well as a third-place score at LAPT Punta del Este.

Angel Guillen

Yesterday afternoon Guillen was talking with fellow Latin American Jose ‘Nacho’ Barbero next to the bar in The Blue Gin bar after a meeting of the Team PokerStars Pro. It’s a bit like the Avengers, just with a little less spandex and no God of Thunder waving his hammer, who’s clearly trying to compensate for something else. I rudely interrupted (is there any other way to interrupt) and grabbed Guillen to find out about his gruelling media responsibilities. These boozy drink meets in on the French Riviera look like a killer…

“My first responsibility is to be a good ambassador for PokerStars in Mexico. That’s my region, along with Latin America. I stay in contact with the community through forums, write articles as well as appear on ESPN commentating and promoting events such as the LAPT,” said Guillen comfortable enough to keep eye contact more than most pros.*

*You’d be surprised.

Guillen appears to be a grafter, both at the tables and off. He’s regularly on ESPN and Fox Sports a lot, poker’s getting big over there you know, and has done commercials and other bits of chit-chat.

But does he actually enjoy getting involved in the media circus, or is it simply a necessary evil?

“I like it. What I enjoy the most is being in contact with people. Twitter is good for getting across that while you’re an ambassador you’re the same as they are. You are accessible. I try to do that a lot and make people feel that it’s not impossible to reach Team Pro status,” he said.

Guillen has also been going out with Gilmartin, a jet-setting chatty Aussie don’t-let-the-buggers-get-you-down type of presenter, for a year and says he’s she’s been a great help on the media front.

“What I’ve learned from Lynn is to be able to communicate well. English is not my first language so sometimes I can struggle with it but in general how easy she makes it look in front of the camera has helped me,” said Guillen, but I suspect he’s always been fairly comfortable in front of the cameras.

It’s a tough life for Team PokerStars Pro

This is the third time he’s been here, once on holiday and once playing the Grand Final in 2009. So far his tournament is not going well. In fact, according to his Twitter account it’s going ‘AWFUL’. First he had kings beaten by ace-king on a [J][T][6][Q][K] board than queens beaten by kings by the same guy in a four-bet pot. Guillen avoided going bust by folding to a turn bet on a [7][3][2][J] and was shown the bigger pair. It’s a miserable start.

Although he may not be as effusive about it now, he’s slunk down in his chair with 12,000 and a scowl, Guillen was excited about the EPT Grand Final Twitter Wall yesterday: “What I love about poker and social media is that you’re able to live the poker life and interact with people and let them know what’s happening right now in the tournament. It’s more immediate than any other news system online. That’s what I like. Having that presence there is a reminder of that interaction. People may not be here in Monte Carlo but they are rooting for you. It’s another way to live the experience.”

Here’s hoping for his Twitter followers that they have better news to read over the next coupe of levels. You can follow Guillen at @AngelGuillen25. And you can find loads of other Team PokerStars Pro Twitter accounts by clicking here.

Guillen, looking to get chipped back up

Tournament snapshot
Level 4: blinds 100-200, ante 25
Players: 351 of 393
(Day 1A: 165 of 371)
Click here for live coverage and more features from The PokerStars and Monte-Carlo®Casino European Poker Tour Grand Final.

Tags: australia | Baltic Poker Festival | facebook | italian poker tour | pca | planets | pokerstars | sports | team pokerstars pro | wbcoop

In October 2005 the first European Chess Boxing Championship took place in Berlin in October 2005 with Tihomir Atanassov Dovramadjiev of Bulgaria beating local hope Andres Schneider in the seventh round (chess). If you’ve never heard of chess boxing, well, it wouldn’t be a huge surprise. It’s hardly a mainstream sport. Chess boxing is a fusion between, wait for it, chess and boxing in which heads up combatants battle it out over 11 alternating rounds of the two sports.

Starting with a four-minute bout of speed chess the players take each other on mentally and physically until a winner is determined by knockout, checkmate or disqualification from exceeding time limits to make a move. What if we were to bring this concept to the poker table to create Poker Boxing? Rounds of fast paced (and timed) heads up poker interspersed with frenetic (or for some, curled up in a ball) minutes of boxing in between.

Poker bust-ups
There has been some crossover in the past, Theo Jorgensen beat Gus Hansen in a boxing match while Lex Veldhuis’ repeated kicks to the head put Bertrand ‘ElkY’ Grospellier firmly on his back, but no true fusion of the two has yet played out.

The World Chess Boxing Federation has strict rules for entry and must be rated at least a Class A strength as a chess player (just below that of ‘Expert’). For argument’s sake, you know, just to get things started, let’s say that the inaugural European Poker Boxing tournament is only open to EPT winners.

While there are some players you may instantly rule out Poker Boxing may be the same as professional boxing where the heavyweight fights are often a let-down while the wiry bantamweights create a ripsnorter; Dario Minieri versus Will Fry? Mickey Petersen up against David Vamplew? Vladimir Geskenbein and Tim Vance going mental on each other? They’d be absolute belters.

I cornered a few EPT champs and pundits to find their pick of the bunch for this (unfortunately entirely fictional) tournament.

First up, Anton Wigg (Copenhagen, S6), a possible frontrunner himself: “Has Johannes Strassmann won an EPT?* If he has, I’d bet all my money on Strassmann. If not, maybe Carter Phillips (Barcelona, S6) or Patrik Antonius (Baden, S2). I think I’d take Phillips over Antonius,” said Wigg looking happy with his decision.

*He hasn’t. He’s had five top ten finishes.

Anton Wigg using his trophy for training

The choice of Phillips, an enthusiastic gym goer who’s demonstrated an aggressive temper on more than one occasion, seems to be a popular one. Donnie Peters, global live reporting manager for Poker News, was balancing Phillips against Michael Martin (London, S5). Peters himself is a bit of a fitness freak, he reads Men’s Health magazine, which alone counts as more exercise than the PokerStars Blog does collectively, so perhaps he’s placing too much emphasis on power alone. As pointed out by a colleague, it would be tough to put Poorya Nazari on his back.

After explaining the concept of Poker Boxing to Rupert Elder (San Rem, S7) and David Vamplew (London, S7) I asked which would win in a heads-up bout. Before the words had fully dribbled out of my mouth Elder chipped in.

“Me,” said the San Remo, S7 winner enthusiastically.

“Snap you?” guffawed Vamplew, actually looking a little offended how little time Elder had taken to think.

“You won’t be conscious for the poker round,” said Elder, getting into the pre-match theatre like an angry pantomime dame.

“What is this?” asked Vamplew, the maths graduate not necessarily the most suited to US style smack talk.

Rupert Elder (left) giving Marvin Rettenmaier his ‘I’m gonna knock you out’ eyes

The Scotsman wisely brought the conversation to the wider question, which EPT winner would likely be crowned champ: “Elky’s pretty good.”

“Liv?” piped up Elder.

“Anton’s in pretty good shape,” replied Vamplew, trying to settle on his contender.

“But he’s too much of a nice guy.”

“Yeah, I don’t think he’d be able to bring himself to hurt anyone.”

“Maybe Ben then.”

Ben Wilinofsky? Last year’s winner? The chatty Canadian in the suit with the bouffant hair?

“He’s shredded,” said Elder pointing to his own stomach (not quite so shredded).

Come to think of it, Wilinofsky did seem to fill his suit jacket out quite easily.

Ben Wilinofsky: ‘I’m gonna dance like a butterfly…’

We’re undecided (although ElkY’s kickboxing training should make him a good shout, right?) but we’d like to think that Poker Boxing has a little life to it. Who do you think would take the title? Take a look at the list of all eight seasons of EPT winners by clicking on this link and feel free to leave your pick in the comments box below.

ElkY has to be a good shout, right?

Tournament snapshot
Level 13: blinds 1,000-2,000, ante 300
Players: 180 of 745
Click here for live coverage and more features.

Tags: Battle of the Planets | boxing | ept | European Poker Tour | italian poker tour | pokerstars | theo jorgensen | wcoop | world cup of poker

16 April 2012
California, USA

Dear Ndugu,

I hope you are well. I received all of your letters and read every single one at least a dozen times.

I apologize for not sending you money over the last twelve months. After the events of Black Friday on April 15th of last year, I no longer had the available funds to donate to your orphanage. Before Black Friday, I earned a redonkulous amount of blood money from online poker sites. It was embarrassing that a hack like me should be compensated for writing pedantic trite on Tao of Poker, so in order to feel better about myself, I used a percentage of that windfall to fund humanitarian efforts like feeding organic foodstuffs to hippies, supporting odalisque single mothers twirling on the pole, and of course… sending money to your foster program in Tanzania.

I know it’s been approximately 111 days since my last letter and I have no excuses, expect that I had nothing meaningful to say. Nothing. For the last few years, I’ve felt like a fraud without a sincere message. I hate repeating myself and my schtick is nothing more than a derivative of something I already said much better years before. I’m supposed to be imparting pearls of wisdom to you, but instead I’ve done nothing but brag about what it is like dabbling in the Dionysian lifestyle (smoking too much grass and popping waaaaay too many pills), while promoting the genius of degenerate gambling.

I was a peddler of broken dreams — a postmodern Pusherman — shoving online poker down the throats of whomever wandered into this corner of the web. I should’ve been executed five years ago by a firing squad for crimes against humanity.

There’s something to be said about the Seven Deadly Sins. The Jesuits used Dante’s Divine Comedy to teach them to me in Latin — acedia (sloth), avaritia (greed), gula (gluttony), invidia (envy), ira (anger), luxuria (lust) and superbia (pride). I often indulge in at least four of them at any given time. Sometimes I brazenly juggle all seven and it’s like trying to catch searing fireballs. Even though I release them as quickly as possible, those fireballs of sin still char my flesh.

It’s impossible to wake up every day without being driven by one of those sins, and let’s be honest, living a life of purity isn’t all that much fun. Johnny Hughes once told me, “You need one vice, one drug, and one girl. But never more than one of each, otherwise you have real problems.”

Ndugu, I can’t stress the importance of this: if you realize you’re juggling more than three sins, then it’s time to take a break because each sin is like a vat of acid that corrodes your soul into a bubbling mist of despair.

Life has been good to me. Too much so. In the buffet of life, I overindulged myself. Can you blame me? I’m a curious person, which has often gotten me into trouble, but it’s definitely saved me from living a life of mundane comfort.

I lived in cheap motels in Las Vegas and clients put me up in luxurious hotels all over the world. I spent many hungover mornings sitting in international airports gazing at the beleaguered faces of other harried business travelers. I can’t believe that I’m somewhat sane after jumping more time zones than I can count, acting as a missionary for the Church of PokerStars, blazing trails into uncharted territory and trying to convert the locals by preaching salvation via online poker. When that failed to work, I became an economic hitman resorting to the oldest trick in the Gringo Manual on Latin American Commerce — tempt them with glossy images of the celebrity culture and wave a fistful of cash until they start drooling.

Poker is a game of skill, but greed is a deadly drug. Sometimes it’s not easy to differentiate between the two. Unfortunately, you really can’t become the best at whatever you want to do without being greedy. Conflicts arise when greed spills into other aspects of your life. You want more. You consume more. You covet thy neighbor’s wife. You covet thy neighbor’s oxen. You hate and despise those whom have more. You make fun of those whom have less. It’s just the nature of the game. Once we’re in… we’re in for life. It’s like getting on a superhighway without any off ramps and exits. If you slam on the brakes, then you’re going to be crushed by an 18-wheeler. You have no choice but to keep driving until you reach your final destination… death.

While caught up in the pursuit of material items, humans forget that we’re just a bunch of animals and a single chromosome away from being a chimpanzee. After all, we share something like 98% of the same DNA. Whether it’s God or a bunch of alien geneticists — whoever created us pretty much carved us out of a similar mold.

It’s through greed that they control us. Who is they exactly? The collective cloud of capitalism. The gears of commerce. The massive machine of consumption.

The Ned Beatty character explains it the best in the 1976 film Network, when he rips Howard Beale a new asshole for speaking out against the system….

“It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity. It is ecological balance. You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no Third Worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems. One vast, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petrol dollars, electro dollars, multi dollars. Reichsmarks, Rins, Rubles, Pounds and Shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT&T and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today…

We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations… inexorably determined by the immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of the slime.

I don’t have to explain to you how absolute power corrupts all institutions. You’ve seen the heavy hand of colonialism come smashing down on your continent. Your rare minerals are extracted to build mobile phones. Your clean water is stolen and converted to Coca-cola. Your glistening gems eventually are draped around the emaciated bodies of cocaine-eyed starlets posing for the paparazzi on red carpets in Hollyweird.

Bad beats are something you experience every single day and the fact that I’m even complaining about my situation makes me a vapid wanker. I don’t have to tell you about tyranny and inequality through imperialism because I’m preaching to the choir. You’ve seen the daily horrors of predatory capitalism disguised as national hegemony. Corrupt officials worldwide padded their overseas bank accounts after becoming perverse corporate-owned puppets. The nefarious rulers of banana republics take bribes in exchange for allowing their lands to be raped, polluted, looted and destroyed by ruthless multinational conglomerates, meanwhile the same unscrupulous leaders are pimping out its powerless citizens as cheap slave labor.

We live in a use and abuse society. If you aren’t using someone, then you’re being abused.

Those atrocities will never end. And how do I try to change the world? I don’t, so I wallow in Catholic guilt which just makes me even more miserable.

For almost a decade, I easily distracted the masses from the maelstrom of evil that has engulfed the world by churning out misogynist rhetoric about the glamorous rockstar lifestyle of a professional poker player. I don’t mean to rag on pros because I have a sincere respect for what they really do. They are an eclectic breed of rebels and rogues, born with an innate and uncanny knack for cards, and the majority of them work their asses off. The day-to-day life of a pro is nothing close to being swanky and upscale, rather it’s utter terror with nonstop pressure and many of them struggle to avoid drowning in their own self-doubt.

The same can be said for anyone running the rat race. Doesn’t matter if you’re Phil Ivey or Lloyd Blankfein, because most of the time, everyone is emotionally beaten by the daily grind so they insulate themselves from reality by adopting the “balla” persona.

Deep down we all know what we’re doing is complete bullshit anyway… so it’s better to live it up now and relish the present (dare I say, carpe diem?) rather than rue the past or be fearful of the unpredictable future.

From that perspective, the prevailing sense of anomie is what justifies the means. We feel devastatingly empty about how we earn a living, so we surround ourselves with material items that are supposed to symbolize and replace intangible feelings of self-worth and accomplishment. If the material items don’t work, then we indulge in carnal pleasures — drugs, sex, rock and roll. And if that doesn’t work, then we turn to religion and find solace worshiping invisible entities.

You never realize how much you miss the sun, until you’re covered in complete darkness. That reminds me of a Bill Withers lyric, “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.”

One day I will die. Maybe in 25 years? Maybe tomorrow? The “when” never really matters because we all die. Sometimes I wonder if Neal Cassady was right about life being like driving on the open road… “We are four dimensional beings in three dimensional bodies, looking out two-dimensional windshields.”

I briefly mentioned the car accident in previous letters, but I didn’t want to scare you about the severity of my injuries. In case you were wondering the details… my girlfriend wanted to sleep in, so I drove myself to breakfast. I was completely sober, which is ironic, because had I been a little buzzed, I would have been driving a little more cautious. But then again, almost everything in life is out of our control. All it takes is one jerkoff to run a red light and then you’re done. Fade to black.

The good news is that I’m almost fully recovered, which is a miracle. I still walk with a slight limp, but I thank the universe every day for having the chance to see the sun rise and then set. I’m living on borrowed time. I’m not afraid of dying. Death is inevitable. I’m more afraid of barely being alive. The fact I’m not crippled baffles me. The paramedic took photos of the crushed car and he often shows it to his colleagues. When he was driving my battered body to the ER, he told my girlfriend that I luckiest guy in Vegas because walked away from what should have been a fatal accident. A monster-sized SUV spearing the driver’s side of a mid-size car at a high rate of acceleration usually results in 85% mortality rate. I sucked out big time. I’ll never complain about losing money in Las Vegas again, because last July, I won a priceless jackpot — a second chance at life.

I should’ve perished underneath the blazing Nevada sun and inside a twisted heap of metal and granulated glass. I would’ve been a ghost wandering the Las Vegas valley for eternity, yet for some cosmic reason, it wasn’t my time to go. But, I can’t let an hour pass without thinking… “Why am here?” I’m struggling right now because I’m ashamed that my existence is and was utterly meaningless.

What difference did I really make in this world? What have I contributed to this society?

Nothing. I failed. There’s no way to spice up that glaring and disappointing fact that I lived a shallow life. Warren Schmidt said, “Once I’m dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it’ll be as though I never existed.”

That’s how I feel right now.

Hey, but don’t worry about me. I won’t beat myself up too much, after all, I had an absolute blast. This was one wild ride and one I never expected to take. I fell ass backwards into this nebulous world and for many years, I called it my home. This long, strange trip was fun… while it lasted. I’ve been waiting for a time when I can finally say, “This has all been wonderful, but now I’m on my way.” Alas, I won’t fret too much and I’ll fondly look back at the halcyon moments and allow the infectious smiling faces of friends to become permanent memory burns on my brain. And all the bad beats and petty stuff, like the surplus of assholes who caused me turmoil? They’ll get deleted from my memory banks. Every one of them. You’d be surprised how quick a few rum cocktails helps you forget the sullen times.

I wish you the best, Ndugu. Always remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and actually do something constructive and meaningful with your life. Don’t be a selfish tosser like myself. Live a life of integrity. Try to make a positive impact in this world.

Be good. Do good. But most importantly… be yourself, Ndugu.

Death is the eventual end point of life. One day we miraculously show up. Then one day we depart and return to the void of nothingness. So while we’re here, right now, we have to make it count. Life is all about small, simple pleasures. Never forget that. Cherish every single moment. Every. Single. Moment.

I don’t want to say that this is my last letter to you, because I cannot predict the future, but let’s be honest, Ndugu… this will probably be my last letter because I’ve said everything I wanted to say and I can’t keep going on forever. Ken Kesey, the great writer and ringleader of the Merry Pranksters, summed it up the best: “Impermanence is impermanence…. nothing lasts.”

Your friend,
Pauly

Tags: 2011 november nine | black-friday | classic tao | dear ndugu | deg | hollyweird | las vegas | Music | phamily poker classic | philosophy | politics | universe

By Pauly
New York City

Time flies, eh? Hard to believe that 2012 is around the corner, but I’m kinda glad that 2011 is over. This year was one of the roughest, saddest, and most excruciating that I experienced since I ventured into the poker world. I can only be optimistic about the future, because it can’t get any worse… right?

Without further ado, here’s the best of the Tao of Poker…

* * *

January 2010

God’s Cell Phone Number – Things got a little crazy while betting on the NFL playoffs and I successfully pulled off a Band of Brothers reference…

Sometimes I refer to God as Gretzky. At least, that’s what I have him labeled on my cell phone. I’d hate for someone to steal my phone and than have a direct number to God. Hence, why He’s coded as GRETZKY. He doesn’t gives those out to anyone. It’s one of the perks of attending a Jesuit high school. You learn Latin, Greek, and get God’s cell phone number… MORE

Dispatches from the PCA: You Enjoy Myself – My lovely girlfriend won a satellite to the Ladies Event, so I flew down to Paradise Island in the Bahamas to attend the PCA as a civilian and professional railbird. I also drunk a shit-ton of rum and gambled at the sports book.

The cabbie pulled into Atlantis and I tipped him fairly decent, enough that he tried to sell me a bag of blow. I politely declined. Do you know the six words that aptly describes cocaine from the Caribbean? Clumps together, but only cut once… MORE

Dispatches from the PCA: Divided Sky – I spent a lot of time watching the Dead People Channel and then hung out on the rail to sweat Change100 during her victorious run in the Ladies Event.

It’s no secret that I feel uncomfortable and unwelcomed at any Ladies Only events because I’m getting thousands of daggers shot at me from evil glances from the players, many of whom on principle hate men, not to mention a slew of female players who think I’m an asshole because my writing glorifies misogyny and the poor treatment of women by condoning prostitution and promoting stripping… MORE

Tao of Pokerati Podcast: Bahama Mama – Change100 Scores Ladies PCA Title – Listen to a super quick podcast that I recorded with Change100 after she beat Lauren Kling heads-up to win the PCA Ladies event.

Looming Municipal Debt Crisis the Key to Online Poker Legislation? – The majority of the states in the union were faced with severe budgetary problems at the start of 2011. I hypothesized that some states will look to legalize online poker in order to make a dent into their ginormous debt obligations.

The future is grim no matter how you look at it. That’s why there’s very little chatter in the media about the looming municipal debt crisis. It’s sort of like an asteroid ready to crash into Earth — it’s much easier to be the ostrich with its head buried in the ground, and let everyone go about their daily lives, rather than clue them in on the reality of the situation and that the end of the world could be right around the corner…MORE

Dan Shak’s Hedge Fund Nearly Blows Up the Gold Market – Speaking of finance… did you hear the one about Dan Shak nearly causing a financial tsunami?

Talk about a trader who has a set of titanium balls! That’s what I love about Dan Shak — he made a ballsy trade, it went south, he cut his losses, shrugged it off, and wants to get back in the game… MORE

Eight Voices and a Sea of Trouble – I broke down the eight different voices inside my head that often get me into gambling trouble.

Accessing the future for my own financial gain is an unattainable pipe dream. I meet people all the time in Vegas and in poker circles who claim that have foolproof systems for blackjack, roulette, the horses, stock options, etc. I’ve met lots of shit-talkers, but I’ve never crossed paths with a legitimate psychic who can accurately predict the future. Believe me, I scoured the world for a seer and found lots of charlatans, but came up empty…MORE

* * *
February 2010

Your Hands and Feet Are Mangos, Part 1 – For one week, I conducted an experiment — do nothing except drink rum and bet on sports.

In the last few years, what used to be a ravenous love affair with sports betting had become a coarse, listless, co-dependent relationship. Each bet used to be like riding a rollercoaster for two hours while jacked up on cocaine. But not anymore because watching each game was more like being prisoner on a cruise ship adrift in stormy seas that’s inducing you to puke your nads out….MORE

Your Hands and Feet Are Mangos, Part 2 – Here’s the second and final installment of my rum-inspired sports betting diaries, which started out as a social experiment but over a long weekend, I nearly lost my shirt on college hoops and had an accident that left our kitchen floor all… sticky.

“Good news and bad news,” I barked and then inspected my soaked jeans. “Bad news is that the kitchen floor is pink and sticky. Good news is that thanks to the supreme technological advances in developing plastics, the shatter-proof bottle prevented the rum from exploding.”…MORE

Syracuse Point-Shaving Rumors Debunked; Major College Basketball Betting Scandal Averted? – The Syracuse point-shaving rumors blew up overnight and what would have just been whispers among paranoid bettors, until it became a national scandal.

College athletes have become pawns for corporate entities. All of those annoying redundant commercials during March Madness made you nauseous, but it’s a clear indication at the significant money that is thrown around by major advertisers. Someone is making a buck on college athletes, everyone except the athletes themselves….MORE

Tao of Pokerati Podcast: Exotic Betting on the Super Bowl with Change100 – I recorded a quick podcast with my girlfriend, who was excited to bet on how long it was going to take Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem.

Live Sumo Is Rigged – If you didn’t know, the national sport of Japan has a shady past of rigging matches.

Taking a dive was a dishonor yourself, let alone a sincere dishonor to the entire Sumo community of wrestlers, trainers, promoters, fans, and even the guy who gets paid to wipe the arses of ginormous wrestlers…. MORE

The Bluff Power 20; Howard Lederer Has the Juice – Howard Lederer was named the most powerful person in poker.

Deadhead. Former bookie. Poker pro. Online poker visionary. Top dog. Top gun. King of the Hill. The Godfather… MORE

* * *
March 2011

Closing the Sahara – I took a walk down memory lane when I found out that the Sahara Casino in Las Vegas was closing its doors.

Las Vegas rose up out of the nothingness of the sand. A former Mormon missionary outpost had transformed into a gambling Mecca by gangsters, real estate developers, and bankers. Mecca is actually an inappropriate word to describe Las Vegas because there’s nothing religious about a pilgrimage to modern day Sodom and Gomorrah — the epicenter for the orgy of consumption… MORE

Orphaned Cards – I cannot explain why, but sometimes I find random cards in the middle of the street.

Rolling Out the Magic – If I was a TV exec and I could rig a final table, I’d pick nine specific personality types.

Television executives in poker are faced with two rigorous obstacles: 1) inaction at the tables, and 2) lack of stimulating dialogue. Both are detrimental to ratings. Lackadaisical ratings gave poker a blemish, which is why the suits in charge of programming banished poker to uncoveted late night slots, where stoners and insomniacs alike watched with an indifferent glaze. The few remaining programs were lost in the shuffle at the farthest ends of the satellite spectrum, embroiled in fierce competition against 1,000 other stations…. MORE

Sweating Sachin Tendulkar – New low as a degen gambler… I bet on cricket.

Despite being plagued with a short attention span, an 8-hour sporting event like cricket is a definite commitment, both physically and mentally, but due to medical breakthrough and advances in technology, 8-hour long cricket matches are conductive if you have proclivities to specific time-released pharmaceuticals…. MORE

* * *
April 2011

Down With Diseased Monkeys – I began the month betting on baseball and went on a horrid losing streak.

Sports betting is a huge life leak, but it’s also a life sweetener, or a bottle of hot sauce that spruces up mundane aspects of daily life, which is why it’s inherently dangerous. Finding the perfect balance between entertainment, merriment, stroking the ego is essential to healthy lifestyle. It’s when you cross over the proverbial demarcation line in the murky, cloudy grey area that you takes strides away from the light and rush toward the dark…. MORE

Black Friday, Vampire Squids, and 1,000 Masturbating Monkeys – I was in Lima, Peru when Black Friday hit and waited until after I finished climbing Machu Picchu before I wrote about my take on the worst day in the history of online poker.

What was the point of even sending the PPA to Washington? Instead, we should have sent a hundred masturbating chimpanzees to lobby for online poker — they would have accomplished the same fucking thing as the PPA, but at least we’d have some cool YouTube videos of monkeys jerking off on the steps of the Capitol…. MORE

* * *
May 2011

Aunt Emma – Another installment of the infamous Pai Gow Diaries.

A disheveled woman sat down next to me. She wore a green terry cloth jacket. For a second I thought she walked into the casino wearing her bath robe. But she smelled like she had slept in her car, woke up, blew a snot rocket, smoked the ends of three week-old cigarette butts, then walked over to the Pai Gow table…. MORE

PokerStars Offices Raided in Costa Rica – I just happened to know a few friends in Costa Rica who were around when the federales raided the San Jose offices of online poker rooms.

Black Friday Fallout: Offshore Sportsbooks Fleeing U.S. Soil – The sportsbetting industry also took a hit when they experienced residual fallout from Black Friday.

14 Fun Moments from the 2010 WSOP and 14 More Fun Moments at the 2010 WSOP – I was reminiscing about some fun times I had in the summer of 2010.

Fading the Rapture – I love betting against Jesus Freaks, especially those predicting specific dates for Armageddon.

Glow in the Dark Dragons – And what’s the WSOP without kicking it off by going on dealer tilt at a Pai Gow table?

The new line of Pai Gow bots will not arrive until late in 2011, which means I only have to deal with older version, which are prone to glitches and the occasional error. I guess that’s the only good thing to come out of the Japan quake. Sure, Japan is drowning in radiation soup while traces of radioactive material flutter its way toward North American airspace, but at least I won’t have to worry about an upgraded version of the Pai Gow bots…. MORE

* * *
June 2011 and August 2011

Thanks to Alexander, I got to be on the cover of The Circuit. here’s my interview…

I covered my 7th World Series of Poker on Tao of Poker. Here’s the index of coverage…

Let’s start with a couple of posts that were published before cards went in the air on Day 1. Among those were a few tidbits about the Ivey/Full Tilt lawsuit.

2011 WSOP: Before the Madness Begins – A prelude to the seven-week fiesta of poker.

WTF? Phil Ivey Suing Full Tilt Poker – In one of the most peculiar news stories since Black Friday, Phil Ivey announced he was leaving Full Tilt, suing Tiltware, and sitting out of the WSOP. All of these important announcements were made on his Facebook fan page. Whaaaaa?

Full Tilt’s Angry Response to Phil Ivey’s Lawsuit – The drama-filled start to the WSOP continued with an angry response from Full Tilt’s HQs. That’s the fastest they ever responded to anything in the wake of Black Friday.

Finding Pil Ivey and the Doctor Is In – The video crew at Bluff Magazine did an awesome job with their videos this summer, especially the bit Finding Ivey. I got tapped to tape an interview and you can see a teaser in this video.

The Circuit Cover and Interview – I was fortunate that Alexander asked me to be a part of his amazing photo project — The Circuit. Check out what went down behind the scenes during the photo shoot, including a candid interview about what life is really like on the road following around the tournament circuit.

Okay, and now here are the daily recaps from the 2011 WSOP…

Day 1: Welcome to the Jungle and Phil Ivey’s Titanium Balls – The 2011 WSOP kicked off with lots of questions swirling around about which pros would toe the company line and support Full Tilt Poker, and which red pros would ditch the patches and other FT branding. Phil Ivey fired the first shot with his lawsuit (announced via Facebook), but did he incite a mutiny with other red pros following his lead?

Day 2: Ivey’s Hippodrome and Bare-Chested Scandis – Gus Hansen wandering around with his shirt undone and the ongoing saga between Phil Ivey and Full Tilt were among the more dramatic topics on the second day of action.

Day 3: Moneymaker and Johnny Fucking Chan Win Grudge Matches and Men the Master Cheating Accusations – A Made-for-TV event occupied the Mothership with Chris Moneymaker and Johnny Fucking Chan winning their Main Event “grudge matches”. Meanwhile, in the real WSOP, Men the Master was the center of hurricane of shadiness when he hypocritically accused Hollywood Dave of shorting a pot. A shouting match ensued and both were on the verge of being disqualified.

Day 4: Jake Cody’s Emos, Hooligans, and Hat Tricks – Jack Cody, the latest British wunderkind made history when he became only the third member of the Triple Crown club. His victory did not come without a little rail rowdiness along the way.

Day 5: Apocalypse Now (Guest Post by Change100) – Yes, I had the day off and Change100 stepped up to pen an atmospheric piece on the tension in the air at the start of the 2011 WSOP — the first series in the wake of Black Friday and “money getting stuck on Full Tilt” fiasco.

Day 6: Ho-most for Maria Ho – The lovely Maria Ho went deep in the 5K NL event and came within one spot of winning her first bracelet.

Day 7: British Invasion, Vampire Squids, and the Devil – After the first week of nonstop poker, the first zombie begin to appear at the Rio. The zombies in turn attract the Devil along with treacherous vampire squids.

Day 8: The Marked Cards Conspiracy and the Last 5 Pros I Pissed Next To – It’s not the WSOP unless there’s a controversy involving the cards. There’s always something wrong with the decks. At the 2011 WSOP, a couple of the decks had a printing error that was only visible underneath the groovy purple grow-lights inside the Mothership.

Day 9: Cocking Blocking the Brits – The Brits launched an all-out assault on Las Vegas once again as they threatened to win another bracelet but the bloody 10-level rule was the only thing that prevented them from shipping another bracelet.

Day 10: Banning Booze, World Series of Mormons, and Sweating the Mavs – Despite the financial woes bringing America to the brink of ruin, the WSOP continued to thrive in the face of external adversity on both the political and financial fronts. The influx of players always brought with it a wave of fervor on the rail during final tables. The powers to be did not anticipate a Mardi Gras-like atmosphere inside the Mothership that is a fragile TV set and not a country-western bar. As a result, booze was officially banned at the final table.

Day 11: Social Media in Poker and Tex Dolly Blows Chunks – The poker world has changed for the better (or worst) because of the heavy influence of social media. Oh, and we found out through Twitter that Texas Dolly got ill during the middle of a tournament because of something he ate.

Day 12: Hellmuth Chokes and Prohibition Ends at the Mothership – Phil Hellmuth was on a mission to win his 12h bracelet, yet his attempt was thwarted. Meanwhile, much to the delight of the alkies in Vegas, booze was permitted to be consumed inside the Mothership. Yes, the short-lived prohibition was over.

Day 13: Tweaker City, USA – I experienced a rather sketchy encounter in the parking lot at the Gold Coast while hanging out with Benjo.

Day 14: Subterranean Homesick Alien and Brits Snag Third Bracelet – By the end of the second week of the WSOP, everyone is ridden with homesickness. Despite the malaise, another Brit won a bracelet, meanwhile, we decided to pay homage to old school Vegas with a trip downtown to where it all began — Binion’s.

Day 15: Triple ElkY and The Mark is the 22nd Best PLO Player in the World – The French surged during the beginning of the third week of the series. They won three bracelets in a short period of time and ElkY became only the fourth player to win the Triple Crown. Meanwhile, a close friend of the Tao of Poker went deep in a PLO event. Yeah, The Mark fell short of his first WSOP final table.

Day 16: Le Deux; French Snag 2 Bracelets in 24 Hours – The French surge continued with their second bracelet within a 24-hour period.

Day 17: Mike Sexton Heads-Up for Bracelet and Liquidating the Sahara – The Ambassador of Poker, Mike Sexton, went deep in the Stud 8 event, only to have it suspended due to the 10-level rule. Sexton was heads-up when his tournament was halted. Meanwhile, the big liquidation sale at the Sahara kicked off. Jerome and Camille shot a stunning video of that dreary sale day.

Day 18: No Country For Old Men; Barry Greenstein and Mike Sexton Denied Bracelets – Two poker greats came very close to winning bracelets, yet they fell short of the mark. In addition, the Senior’s Event kicked off with everyone standing to attention when the Stars and Stripes were played.

Day 19: The Donkenator and Eating Death – Dominating a donkaments are never an easy task. Woever wins that bracelet damn well deserves it. I delve a bit into Milton’s Paradise Lost in this recap. Enter at your own risk.

Day 20: The Egregious Case of the $9 Pizza and Stein Shines – It was a matter of time before I went off on an old-fashioned anti-food rant because of the horrendous $9 pizza that the Poker Kitchen tries to pass off as a culinary delight.

Day 21: A Day in the Life; Hellmuth Denied 12th Bracelet (Again) – This is my favorite piece of the summer, mainly because most of the hijinks happened outside the Amazon Ballroom that eventually morphed into my first Memento moment of the WSOP. Anyway, I went on a classic bender at the Gold Coast while Phil Hellmuth went deep once again and tried to win bracelet #12.

Day 22: Slowdown, Rocky Mountain High, and Chau Giang Confirmed Alien – The WSOP caught its breath at the start of the fourth week of play, while I determined that Chau Giang is really an alien.

Day 23: Timex Flashback, Jason Mercier Wins PLO Bracelet, and More Sordid Tales About Chasing the Dragon – I squeezed in a little personal Pai Gow degeneracy in between a recap about Jason Mercier’s victory in the PLO event along with a flashback about the origins of Timex.

Day 24: Dwan Song, Revelry, and Hooligans – Whenever Tom “durrrr” Dwan makes a final table, the entire poker world stops to watch. With a few million in prop bets on the line, Dwan’s final tables always have an added element of excitement. Alas, it was the Brits who sucked up all of the attention in the Amazon Ballroom as they railed their boy Middy and even drank Jager bombs out of their shoes.

Day 25: Rubber Soul, Electric Daisies, and Two-Tabling Pai Gow – The Electric Daisy Carnival swept through Vegas and a quarter million ravers invaded Sin City. Fabrice Soulier shipped a bracelet and became the third Frenchie to win one in 2011. Ah, and I also engaged in a live session of Pai Gow again and two-tabled it. I’m lucky I didn’t get 86′d.

Day 26: The Sickness – If you’ve spent a significant amount of time in Las Vegas, then you’ve seen those afflicted with The Sickness. I spoke about some of my experiences with the dreaded disease.

Day 27: Shaking Down Ravers; November Niner Snags Bracelet – I had a situation when I should’ve rolled a couple of schwasted ravers in the elevator, but I couldn’t cross over to the dark side and take advantage of the party people on the last day of the Electric Daisy Carnival.

Day 28: The Glass Onion; Lamb Leads POY – Donkey slayers, Brazilians, and Ben Lamb seizing the top spot in Player of the Year race.

Day 29: Carnival at the Mothership; Akkari Wins Bracelet – I went to cover a final table and a Brazilian soccer match broke out. The Mothership was transformed into a World Cup final when Brazil’s native son Andre Akkari advanced to the final table and was heads-up for a bracelet.

“Vamooooooooooooooo!”
Days 30-33: OFF

Day 34: Happy Birthday, America – On the Fourth of July, America celebrated with its annual Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. Only in America can we boast about binge eating to celebrate our creation and independence from British tyranny.

Day 35: Catching Up - After a brief holiday away from the Vegas grind, it was time to catch up on everything I missed.

Day 36: Don’t Stop Believen‘ – Hellmuth and the 50K hit a hard stop. Grumbles ensued.

Day 37: Another Runner-Up Finish for Hellmuth; Whiffs on Three Flush Draws to Lose Bracelet#12 – Hellmuth had another disappointing evening after he whiffed on three big flush draws only to lose to Brian Rast, who won his second bracelet in 2011.

* * *

2011 Main Event Coverage

Prelude to the Killing Fields – The 2011 Main Event
With a Little Help From My Friends: The Michael Stevens Story by Change100
Day 38- Main Event Day 1A: Dolly’s Abyss
Day 39 – Main Event Day 1B: Luck Rack of Lamb
Prope Bets with Remkos and Micros WSOP Episode
Day 40 – Main Event Day 1C: One More Saturday Nite
Day 41 – Main Event Day 1D: Spiderman Big Records, Perma-Bans, and 6,865
Day 42 – Main Event Day 2A: Torturing the One-Eyed Clown, Hellmuth Awakes, and the Euro Surge
Day 43 – Main Event Day 2B: Lamb Lies Down on Broadway
Day 44 – Main Event Day Off; Annie Duke Wins Media Tournament
Day 45 – Main Event Day 3: Poirier and Jace Are Million Men and Tilt-A-Scandi
Day 46 – Main Event Day 4: Soft Bubbles, Zombie Apocalypse, and the Reincarnation of JRB
Day 47 – Main Event Day 5: There Must Be Some Way Out of Here
The Skinny: Day 6
Day 48 – Main Event Day 6: House of the Rising Sun; NOLA’s Ryan Lenaghan Leads with 57 Remaining
The Skinny: Day 7
Day 49 – Main Event Day 7: Buy the Ticket, Survive the Ride
2011 November Nine Set

* * *

And here’s the Best of Tao of Pokerati… which are some of my favorite episodes of the Tao of Pokerati podcast that Michalski and I recorded from the 2011 WSOP featuring special guests Benjo, Snoopy, KevMath, Remko, and AlCantHang.

Episode 6: Ivey’s Lawyer (4:17) – Dan and Pauly chat about the Ivey drama that transformed the opening days of the WSOP into the “World Series of Phil Ivey.” Dan also shares some inside info on Ivey’s lawyer, renown criminal attorney David Chesnoff.

Episode 7: Sahara Liquidation with Remko and Benjo (6:12) – Benjo and Pauly discussed the Sahara Casino liquidation sale/auction with one of the members of the Dutch press, Remko. Both Remko and Benjo expressed a keen interest in acquiring a slot machine for super cheap, while Pauly has his eyes set on a Pai Gow table. Meanwhile, Benjo and Remko try to figure out how to ship a slot machine from Vegas to France and Holland.

Episode 12: The Tweaker Edition with Benjo (4:02) – Benjo and Pauly hang out at the Gold Coast and watched a tweaker get 86d by security. They later encounter the tweaker in the parking lot, and Benjo asks Pauly for a quick tutorial about the seedy Las Vegas meth scene.

Episode 14: Old School Cheats with Johnny Hughes (6:02) – Pauly sat down and chatted with a special guest — the legendary Johnny Hughes — who has been in poker circles for 50+ years. Pauly asks Johnny to share some stories about old school poker cheats and the “fear” of getting caught, which kept a lot of shady characters in line.

Episode 16: Brickless Cash Games Reprise (3:22) – Dan and Pauly recorded a quick follow-up to their previous episode while they hang out on the rail of the high-stakes cash games. They spot Eskimo Clark, “Cowboy”, and other broke dicks lingering around seeking handouts from the high rollers.

Episode 17: WSOP Fashion Report with KevMath (5:10) – Pauly chats with KevMath, who is a self-described “fashion expert.” The two compare and contrast the different styles of clothing worn by members of the media. KevMath also reveals why he won’t wear shorts.

Episode 19: KevMath Keno System with KevMath (6:01) – Pauly and KevMath hang out at the dive bar in a bowling alley at the Gold Coast. KevMath was in the middle of crushing a video Keno game, when Pauly asked him to share a couple of his big secrets to beating the game.

Episode 20: Adieu, Benjo (8:40) with Benjo – After almost a week of speculation and rumors, Benjo confirms that he’s leaving Las Vegas and heading home to France. His brief stint at the WSOP is officially over. One chapter ends, and a new one begins. Dr. Pauly, Dan and Benjo hang out in the dive bar inside the bowling alley at Gold Coast to listen to Benjo bid his farewells.

Episode 21: New Dynamic Duo with Snoopy (5:59) – Pauly holds auditions for a new sidekick with only one requirement — a outrageous accent. Snoopy, a writer from London, nails the audition. In this episode, they discuss modeling their new dynamic duo on the Batman & Robin television series, in addition to re-locating the Bat Cave to England and installing bat poles in the press box.

Episode 23: Brazil’s Mothership Invasion with AlCantHang (2:50) – Pauly and AlCantHang are on the rail inside the Mothership watching the heads-up battle between American Nachman “The Landlord” Berlin and Brazil’s native son Andre Akkari. Al and Pauly record a quick episode moments after Akkari won a decisive pot to cripple Berlin, and the Brazilians went berserk.

Episode 26: Main Event Begins! (6:34) – The Main Event is upon us and before the cards went in the air, Pauly is hanging out and listening to TD Jack Effel’s long-winded introduction and a quick rundown of the rules to all Main Event players. Jack then introduces Texas Dolly to utter the famous phrase, “Shuffle up and deal!”

Episode 27: Almost Famous with Snoopy (3:32) – While players return to their seats after the dinner break, Pauly and Snoopy notice Jason Alexander posing for pictures with fans. Snoopy explains why Seinfeld wasn’t a big hit in England and Pauly discovers someone dressed as Snow White in the crowd. Pauly also wonders if Snoopy would ever dress up in a costume for the Main Event.

Episode 29: Media Mania and Golden Toilets with Change100 and AlCantHang (3:08) – Pauly is still in the media event, so Change100 takes the opportunity to chat with AlCantHang. They both busted rather early, especially AlCantHang, who won a dubious honor of being the first player to bust out. His reward? A Golden Toiler trophy for last place.

Episode 33: Two Brits, One Irishman with Snoopy (5:09) – Snoopy gives Pauly the latest British report with three tables remaining in the Main Event. Snoopy clues us in on the two Brits (Sam Holden and JP Kelly) still alive along with Eoghan O’Dea from Ireland. Even though O’Dea is Irish, Snoopy and Brits are still keeping an eye on their “adopted” player.

Episode 36: KevMath WSOP Exit Interview with KevMath (8:50) – Kevin “KevMath” Mathers is officially done with his WSOP assignment, but he stopped by the Rio to watch the action on Day 8. He bumped into Pauly, who sat him down to discuss his favorite moments (and least favorite) during his first ever WSOP. Pauly also quizzes him on any strange “fan” encounters along the way.

Episode 37: Pseudo-Final Table (6:02) – Dan and Pauly are on the rail of the Mothership as action resumes for the pseudo-final table of ten, otherwise known as the November Nine bubble. Plenty of tension in the air because the final table will be set with just one more elimination.

Episode 39: Bruno’s New Toy (4:20) – Fun Warren brought a batch of dolls to the WSOP. The dolls, resembling famous poker pros, were custom made in London . He left a couple behind for Pauly and Dan. Pauly got Phil Hellmuth, while Dan seems a little disappointed with Daniel Negreanu. Dan suggests that he’ll probably give the Negreanu’s doll to his dog Bruno, so Bruno will now have a new play toy.

If you want to listen to more episodes from the 2011 WSOP, visit Tao of Pokerati podcast archives.

* * *
August, September, and October 2011

I took three months off and moved to San Francisco. I only posted 19 times in that stretch. Less is more, eh? Here’s a few gems from the hiatus months…

Hot Sauce
A Brief Letter to Full Tilt Poker: Fuck You, Pay Me
Full tilt Ponzi Poker
Rocketman and Welcome to the Ice Palace
The Degen Market
I Didn’t Know I Was That Far Gone
Superstitions, Jinxes, and River Rats

* * *
November 2011

I returned to semi-regular poker writing with the November Nine on the agenda and the conclusion of the 2011 WSOP Main Event Championship.

Betting guide to the 2011 November Nine
2011 November Nine – Sunday LIVE Blog
November Nine Down to Three; Germany’s Pius Heinz = Chip Leader
2011 WSOP November Nine – Tuesday Live Blog
Pius Heinz Wins 2011 WSOP Main Event

Michalski and I also recorded a few special Tao of Pokerati podcasts….

Tao of Pokerati Podcast – 2011 November Nine Edition
Episode 1: Evolution
Episode 2: Naming Names
Episode 3: Betting on Belize
Episode 4: Non-Silence of the Lambs
Episode 5: Giannetti Lives
Episode 6: Quad Lambs
Episode 7: Poker Hall of Fame Ceremony
Episode 8: First Hand Fireworks
Episode 9: Heads-Up Outfits
Episode 10: The Final Hand
Episode 11: Hooker Bar Farewell

* * *
December 2011

The year ended with the annual blogger gathering to Vegas, which inspired a three-part trip report and as the year ended and I began to reflect on 2011, I sounded off on a few topics.

Four Haikus – Lost Vegas
Ocho – WPBT, Part 1
Ocho – WPBT, Part 2
Ocho – WPBT, Part 3
Zombie Poker Apocalypse
Puppeteers of America

* * *
That’s it. The highlights from 2011. I hope you have a happy new year.

And if you like what you read, I encourage you to vote Tao of Poker for Best Poker Blog in Bluff’s Readers Choice Awards. Thanks for your support.

Tags: 2011 wsop | armageddon | deg | elky | gambling | gold | las vegas | On the Road | pius heinz | politics | rise poker | twitter

By Pauly
New York City

Merry Christmas everyone!

Were you a good boy/girl this year? Did Santa Claus hook you up with a new Kindle Fire? If so, you’re in luck because the e-book version of Lost Vegas is only a few clicks away!

Click here to buy Lost Vegas for Kindle and iPads.

Click here to buy Lost Vegas for the Nook.

Click here to buy a print copy of Lost Vegas on Amazon.com.

* * * *

And if you’re interest in my novel, you can also pick up an e-book Kindle version of Jack Tripper Stole My Dog.

Here’s the trailer…

Thanks for your support.

Tags: lists | Music | november-nine | pca | phamily poker classic | Poker News | rise poker | sports

At some point in the next couple of days, there is a very good chance you could be approached by a right jolly old elf, a bumbling laughing man with red checks, soot on his suit, and a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. He’ll have a red suit, a white beard, and enough holiday sprit to make you forget the words “bad beat” for a couple of days. Here’s my advice on how to deal with the man:

If you are sitting at a PokerStars table, check your account after the man appears. It’s a good thing.

If you’re sitting by the hearth in your living room, make sure you have cookies and milk. Santa don’t play when he’s hungry.

If you’ve just left the pub, nod politely and keep walking. Quickly.

I’ll leave the explanation of the latter two items to people who know you better. As for the first, here’s the thing: you should believe in Santa this weekend. Why? Because I can attest he exists.

This weekend, keep your eye on the the people sitting at your PokerStars table. Over Christmas Eve and Christmas, there is a chance you might run into a player with the name SantaClaus. This particular player comes bearing gifts. Trust me on this one.

If it helps, here’s what his avatar looks like.

So, no matter how bad the beats are, no matter how naughty you feel like being, no matter how much you might want to push up against the chat ban limits on PokerStars, be good this weekend. Be nice. Santa may not help you win the Sunday Million, but he could make this holiday weekend a little richer for you.

For now, we here at the PokerStars Blog are going to take a couple of days to enjoy our families and reflect on 2011. We’ll be back Sunday night with the Christmas Sunday majors reports.

On a personal note, thank you to everyone who has made the PokerStars Blog what it is this year. To the leather-tailed bloggers who sit through the Sunday majors, to the arch-fallen scribes who survive the marathon live events, to everyone who puts their heart into the PokerStars Blog, and to the millions of readers who come here for their poker news, happy holidays and peace to you and yours.

Tags: 2011 | belgian poker series | gambling | harrah's | napt | news | pokerstars | tcoop | world cup of poker | World Series of Poker

By Pauly
San Francisco, CA

One of my favorite political writers is Matt Taibbi, columnist at Rolling Stone magazine, who also penned a few books such as The Great Derangement, which included an astute observation about politics and Big Business…

“You don’t elect politicians to commit crimes; you elect politicians to make your crimes legal.” – Matt Taibbi

Black Friday more than put a wrinkle into the lives of American poker players, it decimated the entire online poker landscape. On April 15th, we all discovered that we could no longer play on our favorite online poker sites. Just the day before on April 14th, Americans went about their lives with the ease and comfort knowing their bankrolls were safe in a virtual bank somewhere overseas. We were under the impression that we could exercise our right to gamble… or choose not to gamble… because after all, we’re adults protected under the Constitution of the United States. We have the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Online poker could be one of those, or it could be all three. I know I spent too many hours logged onto a different online poker site bogged down in the pursuit of happiness, only to get sucked out by a one-outer, which sent me on mega-LAGtard-Scandi-tilt.

Online poker was a short-term escape from the harsh reality that we live in corporatocracy. Our nefarious politicians are pwned by oligarchs and plutocrats, all of whom don’t give a rat’s ass about your personal liberty to engage in any sort of activity (gambling or otherwise) on the internet. If you haven’t been paying attention to SOPA or the NDAA, then you should get off your ass and do some research. Uncle Sam and Big Brother are now one in the same while a shadowy cabal of international banksters are pulling the strings.

Remember that scene from The Godfather, after the ailing Don handed over the reigns of the Family to his son, Michael Corleone?

“You are like me,” mumbled Don Corleone. “We refuse to be fools, to be puppets dancing on a string pulled by other men.”

I’m still trying to figure out why some activities in America are considered a crime and why other things are permitted, but then again most laws these days defy all logic. We’re living in a rigged political system that is rotten to the core. Corruption is the grease that keeps the wheels of Big Business churning. Corruption is what re-balances the manipulated scales of justice.

Who were the real culprits behind online poker prohibition in America? After doing some research and “following the money” trail, I pointed fingers in a post titled Black Friday, Vampire Squids, and 1,000 Masturbating Monkeys. Almost eight months later, I continue to search for more concise answers. Sure, we have the names of the unscrupulous politicians leading the witch hunt, but like Don Corleone explained, someone else is tugging at those puppet strings.

Who are the puppeteers?

Why did they cock block us?

What is so terrifying about online poker?

What kind of crimes against humanity did we commit by sitting around in our underwear and playing cards?

How did the simple act of playing online poker become threatening to the Establishment?

I guess the answer to my last question is this: poker players are rebellious in nature and free thinkers. Many of us would not have taken the courageous leap into the virtual waters at online poker sites unless we were strong-willed, determined, and seeking an alternative way to live our lives. Online poker provided income, happiness, purpose and validation instead of following the herd and the Master Plan (college > job > marriage > mortgage > kids > college fund > retirement) that had been beaten into our heads since birth. We were conditioned to conform from the moment we popped out of our mother’s womb. We’ve been corralled into institutions like cattle, stripped of any semblance of individuality, brainwashed into living a life that we think is what we’re supposed to do — obey, consume, reproduce — all of this without questioning authority and expressing an independent thought. The moment any of us stray from the path, we’re ostracized and marginalized, and if that doesn’t deter us, then agents of the state (paid by our tax dollars) will beat the shit out of us until we get back in line. And those whom stay on the path and do not upset the herd are thrust into a fabricated world in which the entire point of existence is to…

1. Become obedient cubicle slaves exploited by corporate overlords.

2. Generate tax income for the bloated state.

3. Create profits for the banking cartel in form of debt creation — credit cards, car loans, school loans, small business loans, mortgages and second mortgages.

4. Buy cheap stuff (Made in China) that we don’t need, which proliferates ginormous profits for Big Business.

5. Breed children so a new generation of consumers and debt slaves will continue this maddening cycle.

I was drawn to poker because of its anarchist nature, but since then it’s been bastardized both economically and politically. Do you want me to scare the shit out of you? Many pundits vehemently against online poker are convinced online poker sites (and other online gambling sites) launder money for terrorist networks. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) was passed the other day, which gives the military the green light to scoop up American citizens and detain us indefinitely as an enemy of the state if we’re suspected of having ties to al-Qaeda or any other terrorist groups and anti-American organizations. Say goodbye to “innocent until proven guilty.”

“Theory of Poker” translated into Farsi
Under the NDAA, our totalitarian government can demonize anyone, including online poker players, by simply labeling them enemy combatants. Many of you thought not being able to play in the Sunday Million sucked, just wait until the military shows up at your front door, bags a black hood over your head, then whisks you away to Gitmo or some other secret prison, where you’re forced to do the naked pyramid with other freshly-detained Jihadists.

What the hell has this country come to? It’s poker, for fuck’s sake! It’s just a card game. A game. An all-American game. Texas Hold’em. The Cadillac of Poker. “It takes seconds to learn and a lifetime to master,” according to Mike Sexton, the ubiquitous ambassador to poker, whose name will now pop up on the FBI’s Watch List in between Ramadan Abdullah Mohammad Shallah and Husayn Muhammad al-Umari.

Any way you look at it, unsuspecting Americans were squeezed by the government and we all got caught up in this shakedown when the UIGEA passed in 2006. Our last hope is to sway politicians to alter the laws, just like Matt Taibbi said in his famous quote… “You don’t elect politicians to commit crimes; you elect politicians to make your crimes legal.”

The sobering reality is that all the letters and emails in the world won’t change the mind of our licentious elected officials. The poker industry dusted off hundreds of millions in a concentrated effort to lobby Congress, yet those we trusted to get the job done dropped the ball time and time again. We must think outside the box to solve the problem, and resort to drastic measures in order to re-install the freedom to fire up online poker sites once again. It will take a shitload of cash and gold to persuade the immoral muppets in DC to end online poker prohibition. If bribes don’t work, then we’ll have to call in a favor with the wiseguys. Because all it takes is just one severed, bloody horse’s head in the right politician’s bed to shape policy in our favor. Then, and only then, will we be able to play online poker again.

While we wait for the proverbial horse’s head, the time has come to say farewell to a couple of dear friends. RIP online poker. RIP America.

Tags: 2010 WSOP | 2011 main event | atom | november-nine | phamily poker classic | SCOOP | TOC | Vegas | wcoop

By Pauly
San Francisco, CA

“Hey guys, I got this great stock tip… ever hear of Zynga?”
It’s time to pimp my latest column for Wicked Chops Insider. I’m writing about sportsbetting and shared my picks for Week 15 of the NFL season. Just a heads-up, Insider is a paywall site, but gosh darn it… I’m worth it.

Here’s the link: Dr. Pauly’s Picks – NFL Week 15.

I almost had a perfect Week 14 going 4-1 with my selections. I’m sure I’m gonna jinx myself by saying this, but the “Step into the Teaser” picks have been 3-0 so far this year.

Also, I have to commend F Train on his stellar piece on Insider capturing The Rise and Fall of Ray Bitar. If I were to pick a Top 10 piece for poker writing in 2011, F Train’s article would definitely make my list.

Tags: black-friday | copyright | ept | facebook | nfl | philosophy | rise poker | tao of fear | turkey cup | twitter | wcoop | writing

By Pauly
San Francisco, CA

The public’s fascination with zombies is rooted in an underlying irony. Hollywood recycles genres every couple of decades or so, including zombie-themed films. In the 1950s and 1960s, movie houses across America featured a plethora of B-flicks including zombie films by Edward Cahn. In the late 1970s, a slew of low budget zombie flicks entered the consciousness, many of which found a second life as home rentals in the 1980s courtesy of the VCR. And now as 2012 approaches, all-things zombie are kitschy again.

Zombieland. World War Z. Walking Dead. 28 Days Later. Zombies. Zombies. Zombies.

Zombies are everywhere and I’m not talking about the lifeless zombies you’ll see in Las Vegas hunched over a slot machine, nor am I talking about the Aussie zombies sitting in the dark in Oz grinding away at online pokies. Nope. I’m talking about those rancid, flesh-devouring cannibalistic monsters who hunt down and devour the few remaining humans in a post-apocalyptic world.

Although the zombie genre features the un-dead feasting upon the living, there’s a deeper socio-political message embedded in each film — the real world is cluttered with dead souls corrupted by materialism, sucking out the life force and destroying every iota of individuality. In the parlance of our snarky times, the sheeple are the zombies. For those among us that are enlightened, we must fear the herd because the herd of zombies will eventually trample us, eat us, or infect us with their affliction.

What do zombies love to eat? Brains. Human brains. Highly symbolic if you ask me, because zombies eat brains to eradicate intelligence. The zombies don’t think. They just consume. More. And more. And more.

So where’s the irony? The sheeple love zombie movies. Zombie movies are subversive movies about sheeple. Therefore, the sheeple are really in love with movies about themselves becoming brainless monsters, yet their collective reality is too distorted to realize what is really happening.

Zombie flicks are hot today, but all of this will change in a couple of years, when the public loses interest in brooding teenage vampires and zombie-strewn dystopia. Eventually the suits in Hollywood will recycle another genre. In the meantime, I shall tolerate zombie flicks and snicker at the absurdity of their popularity, yet I eagerly await the return of erotic, campy women-in-prison flicks and Blaxsploitation films. Seriously, when the hell are they gonna re-make Superfly?

I often wonder if the American public will ever become interested in poker-themed entertainment again? Will poker ever get recycled? Can poker, during online poker prohibition, become a centerpiece of popular culture?

Unless one of the Kardashians starts banging Phil Ivey, I doubt the sheeple will give a damn about poker.

During the gravy years of the glorious poker boom, it was hard to keep up with the over-saturation of poker programming on the boob tube. Even with a thousand cable stations, there still isn’t 24-hour poker channel in America. That omission is stunning, but the bean counters in Hollywood only care about the bottom line. And the current bottom line is this… only hardcore poker enthusiasts and degenerate gamblers will watch anything poker-related. Sure, the WSOP on ESPN might attract a small stream of curious non-poker people, but until Americans develop an appetite for more poker programming, we won’t see any new shows — especially since Poker Stars and Full Tilt aren’t around to fund new poker-themed entertainment projects.

But, I have a brilliant idea that I revealed to a studio exec during a recent meeting in Burbank. Here’s my three second pitch: washed-up celebrities playing poker.

Think about it. Who wouldn’t want to see a bloated David Lee Roth check-raise a strung-out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech from Saved By the Bell)? Wouldn’t you want to see an angry Vanilla Ice go on mega-tilt after getting sucked out by Gary Coleman?

Here’s another mind-blowing pitch… it’s a Vegas-based reality show comprised of bankrupt former child stars who live at Panorama Towers and receive daily tutorial sessions by Matt Stout and Tony Dunst. The former child stars compete in a weekly tournament in which the winner gains “immunity” and a free comp to the Bellagio buffet, while the rest of the child stars argue incessantly over which one of them gets kicked out of the Towers. Former Hollyweird child stars in Vegas is 100% pure comedy gold. Think about all the juicy B-roll you can obtain while following them around Sin City… hustling paid appearances on the Strip to take photos with tourists from the Midwest, then blowing their paychecks on an over-priced 8-ball that they scored in the parking lot of Olympic Gardens from a one-eyed pimp named Rummy.

Or better yet, here’s one more high-concept pitch… lock up any eight D-list celebs in a penthouse at the Palms, feed them booze, pills, and enough speed to keep the entire state of Wisconsin up for a month… then film the ensuing surreal trainwreck as the schwilly D-listers attempt to play low-stakes PLO. We’ll hire Gabe Kaplan and Gary Busey to do the color commentary and have Shana Hiatt conduct side-line interviews with hysterical celebs after they get bitch-slapped by the chick who played Six on Blossom.

Ah, just call me cynical. We’re waiting on a ghost train. Poker’s gravy train arrived at the turn of the century, then abruptly departed the night before the UIGEA was tacked onto the Port Security Bill. The gravy train, fueled by online poker rooms quest for domination, might never return in my generation, which is why I spend many of my waking hours writing up half-baked pitches so I can justify scoring a free lunch at Mo’s with desperate development execs seeking the next big reality show.

Okay, I have one last brilliant pitch… strip poker featuring coked-up 20-something starlets and botox-riddled cougars. Meg Ryan has not cashed a big paycheck in a while and we know Lindsay Lohan is looking for work.

Tags: black-friday | color | hollywood | news | Podcast | tao of fear | turkey cup

By Pauly
San Francisco, CA

Several hours after the marathon, I found myself in a late-night jam session at the Monte Carlo poker room. The session musicians included Dr. Chako, Iggy, G-Rob, Otis, Marty, Poker Peaker, Bad Blood, and Drizz.

Here’s the setlist…

12/4/11 – Monte Carlo Poker Room, Las Vegas, NV

Set 1: Possum, Nougat Farm > Extra Large Aspirin > Pillow Talk, Danny England Ain’t from England, Madras > Marty Ain’t Russian > Madras “It’s a drink, it’s a rug, it’s a shirt” Jam > Marty Borrows*, Ziggy Stardust > Iggy’s Toothache > Pusherman, Otis Tries to Stand Up^ > Otis Sticks to Beer**, Aces High, Antelope

Encore: Suzy Greenberg > Madras Reprise

* Last time played 12/5/2008
^ Otis solo acoustic
** First time played

I dropped two buy-ins… one each to Otis and G-Rob. Fucking G-Rob would open by sliding a stack of redbirds over the betting line. $100 bet in a 1/3 game? Yep. It was one of those nights when the dealers loved us or hated us. Whenever a new dealer sat down in the box, everyone pre-toked the dealer at least $1, sometimes more. Whenever Otis dragged a pot, he showered the dealer with every white $1 in his newly acquired stack — which usually amounted to a tip anywhere from $8 to $10. G-Rob convinced another dealer that he not only owned a nougat farm, but that Iggy was actually former NHL stars Zigmund Palffy. To which I said, “Ziggy? He’s no Guy LaFleur.”

Oh, and we played some poker too. Biggest pot of the night? Three-way all-in on the flop. Set over set against a flush draw. Iggy’s set of Aces held up. Drizz doubled him up and Bad Blood was felted. Drizz said that if he had won that monsterpotten, then he would have had enough money for his own private lap dance for a month. I was confused on the math, then again, strippers in Minnesota must be dirt cheap. As my brother aptly said, “Strippers without teeth cost a lot less.”

* * *
Las Vegas is a city built on cliches. The biggest cliche of the weekend? Four New Yorkers eating faux-NYC-style pizza in the bowels of City Center.

I knew it was too good to be true, but a leggy model was fixated on me as she walked through Cosmo. As a rule of thumb, any woman that makes eye contact with me after Midnight in Vegas is almost always a working girl or a Mossad agent. She kept starring at me in an extremely uncomfortable manner as she got closer and closer. She passed us, stopped on a dime, and whirled around.

“Where did you get the pizza?” she asked.

My brother pointed at the unidentified hallway across from the pool table. She mumbled “thanks” and sprinted (in high heels) to the secret pizza joint that sold over-priced slices, yet was the closest attempt at NY-style pizza that I devoured in all of Las Vegas. I had heard about the secret pizza place for a few months, but had never visited it mainly because I usually do everything possible to avoid the Strip. April and Mo discovered it earlier in the trip and gave us perfect directions on how to find it. The pizza place with no name. Open til 5am. What more could you ask for?

My brother noted that four New Yorkers were chowing down on slices — the both of us, FTrain and Timtern. We had become a cliche of cliches. The pizza wasn’t even that good, but I was schwilly after a long day and night of gambling and consumption that I was thrilled to find any sort of food substance at City Center that cost under $10.

The worst part of the secret pizza excursion was the art vending machine debacle. I heard about the different vending machines in Cosmo that offered up pieces of artwork for as little as $5. I was a little schwasted when I saw F Train walk up to an old-school cigarette machine that had been refurbished to house the special art. I thought the machine was selling decks of cards with different themes. I saw “abstract oil painting” and thought a fancy deck of cards would make a nice stocking stuffer for the holidays. I pulled a $5 bill out of my pocket and jammed it into the slot. I tugged on the handle, but to my dismay, that style was sold out. I grabbed an adjacent handle — also of the “abstract” genre — and I heard a large thud. I reached into the bowels of the machine and pulled out a block of painted wood.

“What the fuck? I just got hustled by a fucking vending machine.”

The group did nothing to hide their laughter. I was the consummate Vegas veteran yet I got my ass handed to me. The machines won. Vegas won. Me? I was humiliated beyond belief. I survived seven WSOPs which amounted to seven summers of sheer torture. I wrote a book about the surviving the murky world of the poker industry, yet I could not evade the classic “Las Vegas hustle.” So, I stood in the Cosmo with a painted piece of wood as I could hear the entire choir of angels in heaven jeering me. The gambling gods have a unique sense of humor, so much so, that I owe someone a swift kick in the junk.

Hustled again by Vegas. When will I ever learn? Next year, we should move the WPBT to Reno. At least that way if I get hustled again, I could just jump in Lake Tahoe and drown myself.

* * *
Iggy told me about the drunk in the Mickey Mouse costume panhandling on the Strip while drinking liquor from a bottle. The only street people I came across was a busker on the pedestrian bridge connecting Crystals to the Cosmo. I heard a raspy, young female voice singing along to an acoustic guitar. She looked more like a neo-punk rocker than a earthy-crunchy hippie chick, and she wasn’t what you’d call… good. But, she sang out of tune and played anyway. After I ate pizza and got hustled by the old “piece-of-painted-wood-in-a-vending-machine” trick, I wanted to return to Aria and drown my sorrows at the sports book bar. I still had a few drink tickets left over. On our way back to the Aria, the same punk girl was sitting on the bridge and butchering a Tom Waits song.

“You should tip her a nug,” whispered my girlfriend.

I had some Lemon Kush in my pocket and decided to do the right thing. Pay it forward. I slowly walked in front of her. She had her eyes closed but opened them as soon as she smelled the Lemon Kush.

“Here,” I said.

She stopped playing. “Really?”

I nodded, handed her the nug, and continued along my way.

“Ohhhh. Myyyy. Gawd! So fucking awesome! Awesome!”

I heard her saw “awesome” at least four more times as we walked away. She was so stunned by the heady tip that she stopped playing, and thereby, stopped butchering the horrendous cover. Tom Waits would be proud.

* * *
Not everything in life can be summed up in a nifty narrative or setlist. So many inside jokes happened during my time in Vegas that I could write 15,000 words and yet, the situation would be funny for only a few of you. Sometimes some things are just left unsaid. We came. We saw. We conquered. But most of those things aren’t fodder for social media and arcane trip reports. My friends would lose their spouses, their houses, their jobs. Dignity? We all checked that at the door as soon as we arrived in Sin City.

With that said, here’s a random list of orphaned lines/sentences that missed the cut from the other parts of Ocho – WPBT….

- I spent a good hour talking about refs fixing basketball games with Pokah Dave and Grange95. Grange used to ref high school hoops and shared some perspective on the mentality of the game from the zebra’s eyes. It also made me sick to my stomach to think about how many more NBA games were “manipulated” over the years. If you believe that crooked ref Tim Donaghy was an “isolated incident” then there’s a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you. Oh, and Dick Bavetta? I’m looking at you pal!

- So if Texas April now lives in California, and California April now lives in Maine, then who lives in Texas?

- Derek hustled G-Rob, Change100, and I at a video version of Greyhound racing. The Monte Carlo had a silly video game in which you could place bets on different virtual dogs. We realized that you didn’t have to play the game for a race to go off — so we decided to bet on each individual race that was comprised of six different dogs. You basically picked a number and shouted it for about thirty seconds before a winning greyhound was determined. That kept us entertained for about thirty minutes before we realized that Derek was winning all of our money. That inspired one of my favorite quotes from the entire weekend: “It’s hard to handicap fake dogs.”

- My second favorite quote? I don’t know who said originally said it (so please let me know, so I can give you proper attribution), but FTrain referenced the gem one late night: “If it’s after Midnight in Vegas and you’re smoking a cigarette while carrying a baby… then you’re definitely white trash.”

- This is not a WPBT note, rather a general Vegas observation, but I fucking hate it when I’m trying to grab a cab in front of a casino and a doorman asks me where I’m going. I know he’s doing it to trying to hustle a few bucks just in case I’m going to a strip club, but to hell with their intrusive antics. I once pissed off a doorman at the Rio over the summer when he asked me where I was headed. “I’m going to a new club,” I said. “It’s called None of Your Fucking Business.” In the last year or so, I have been lying to the doormen, then correcting the destination to the driver as soon as the door closes. Most Vegas cabbies actually like me more when I tell them what I did. Mr. Funk (@LVCabbieChronicles) would be pleased at how I’ve been treating nosey doormen. Hey, my destination is an intimate exchange between me and my cabbie. Everyone else can bugger off. And if growing up in NYC taught me anything, you NEVER give the driver your exact destination especially when it’s going to a residence. It’s always wise to ask to get dropped off a block away or give them an address somewhere nearby. Vegas is so large that it’s hard to get them to drop you off a block from a casino or the airport. But even then, I try to give a fake airline. “I’m flying on Blue Star airline. It’s near the JetBlue counter.”

* * *
My brother published his quarterly post, which happens to be a recap of his WPBT adventures. Derek rarely writes, but his trip report are among my favorites to read. Check out… Holiday Classic Recap: Words With Friends.

And you can also read Part 1 and Part 2 of my series titled Ocho – WPBT. Until next year, I bid you farewell…

Tags: 2011 | business | deg | ept | food | november-nine | online-poker | philosophy | twitter